Mind Boggling...HerStory

Hi! Welcome back— I acknowledge your return, Thank you for sperm, But I am grown now, So my values, wants, and morals not instilled by you is firm, Yes! The past is the past and we should move on, However who said we should pick up like you never missed a step, Your presence is felt like a sting of an insect, Your former life hangs over me like a cloud in the sky, And I can’t just let loose like a newlywed couple on their wedding night, Who are you to jump right in like you been around all along? Who am I to just welcome you back into our home? I have not conversed within my inner self, So, I am going to take your proposition, And up high will it sit, On the I will think about it shelf, To embrace you means to have forgiven, After I have deliberately placed you in only about a 2 percent section of my heart, A new relationship you would like to start, Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days shall be long upon

Sometimes looking through my old poetry, its hard because it takes me back to the time of when I wrote the poem. The emotions of that time return, and I become handicap in that moment. Tonight I came across, Helpless. March 17, 2005 was a hard day. It was St. Patrick's day, whoever knew a day so lucky could become so unlucky. (I guess I'm not Irish though). HELPLESS Helpless. What could I do? Nothing, but think how cruel, She’s only eleven, Still barely a baby As she cries and cry, And I lie and lie, How is she doing? She is doing okay is what I reply, Helpless. What could I do? Nothing, but wish her pain would quit, Constant pain, bones split, Helpless. Left to watch her cry, As she look to me for aid, I look at her in shame, Because there is nothing I can do, I am left helpless. Helpless Kristyna Cochran

City’s finest Made to protect and serve, But all I see is tears and hurt, Weather its blue or black, The uniform either cause us To run or to attack, Not to run because we are afraid, But because we feel less protected, And more violated, Singled out as a suspect rather than victim, But who’s the victim, When they take their stick and beat him, Use their pepper spray as if it is air freshener, Spraying it on us as if we smell like rotten cheddar, Their gun used as a play toy; the dartboard, And we’re the bull’s-eye, Ignoring our cries, though at one time, We all had the same cries, They were once us, Once in our position, Now that they are in such a “higher” position, It changes their perspective, Trying to impress his white friends, So, he beats down the black man, Psychically and emotionally until he becomes unconscious To the ways of the badge, Everyone meet your city’s finest.

Tip of the tongue It never sat will with me how one can converse, Let alone enter a relationship, with an individual, Who allowed anything but the truth jump off his tongue, The most powerful entity, The brain knows what the tongue don’t, The tongue says what the brain won’t, Resonating more pain than a hundred pistols, Killing more souls than missiles, Piercing hearts as these negative terms rips it apart, Just words, just words, That’s absurd, No, it’s the last thing you heard, The first thing you hear as you exit your mother’s uterus, Words mean more than pineapple upside down cake on Christmas, More than hearing I love you for the first time, And wondering if he meant it Those sticks, those stones that hurt your bones, Is the effect of the repeated usage of words that beat you down mentally, Until you subconsciously become that word, and beat him down physically, A cycle that won’t stop until you cease to allow word

I am who I say I am I am me I am whatever I say I can be I am what my naysayers and doubters Say I am not, I Cannot will not arrive in my thoughts, I say I can, and I try, Make an attempt, giving one-hundred percent, Must not stop, I must persist I done this for me Affirmation from others there is no need I have faith, I believe, I am who I say I am I am me. I Am Who I Say I Am Kristyna Cochran

            As I ponder on my future husband. I wonder what he would look like. What nationality would he be? Of course I have a predetermined notion of what he looks like, like all women or men that imagine their perfect partner. I imagine him to be tall, but of course everyone is taller than me, yet taller than the average male. I also enjoy a man with hair; dreads, braids, ponytail, or just out hanging, it all appeals to me. Outside of being tall and having hair my preferences are open from there, though I guess lack of odor (smells nice), and dresses nice is a given, however I do not discriminate in terms of race, cultural backgrounds, or other factors. Well I do forsake that he be goal-oriented, a spiritual man, and driven. Though I may have my predetermined beliefs of what I believe of man to be to me, only God knows who he has for me.             I have always thought of myself as a traditional person with traditional values. I have always wanted to wait until I was married t

The Evolution of a deadbeat crack head Halfway hoping for a relapse so I could be right, As halfway wrong as that sounds, How could I not want to be right? Tug of war with my conscious, Although, I subconsciously want to say the word daddy, The past, present, and future is clashing, Your past is affecting the present, And your presence is precedence to me, And its becoming more detrimental to rekindle a relationship that never was, Never was… No it was never anything there but Abandonment Bereavement Carelessness Shall I go on No let’s not dwell on the past, Although the past has made me who I am,   I cannot let those events shape my future, Hmm hmm … our future, Maybe time has done you well, And yes, I say maybe with a plethora of doubt, Scratching my head thinking of a way to let you in, But still …. A question mark lingers Forget the past… There are things that you can’t forget. The Evolution of a

I think about you… I think about you on a daily basis, I tried to eradicate thoughts of you, Though I have fall short, And you were much less than what I have I anticipated, I can’t think of a time when I felt you were untrue, The more time we spent together, The closer we grew, unexpected feelings accrued, But lack of communication became the norm, No ringing of the phone, no buzzing from a text, I’m not being to upfront, I’m not being a pest, A desire for more than what we have or had, Looking towards the future without dwelling on the past, Based on our time together, I thought it would turn into something, But based on actions, I classified it as a summer fling, The dog days of summer has loom, silence has crept, No bindings through a relationship, So no hard feelings to sort, Backed up in my prefrontal cortex, how could I ever forget, Times likes these are learning experiences not sighs of regret. Summer thing Kri

  How lucky you are to be so white How lucky you are to be so white Against you my chances are slim What made you so superior? When our shadow is the same, and we are composed of the same interior, What made you decide that you shall defy that most high? And exalt yourself above – Above me, Where we have to document the first black to… The daunting task of proving my worth, A long train in each car loaded with oppression, restrictions, All because of color distinctions, How lucky you are to hold a color so distinguished Product of the past causing anguish Different dialect but same language, Nigger! Nigger! Nigger! Sending a bad signal to my brain as it transmits through my ears, Piercing my cerebellum Underneath-- a curse, spell, since the beginning, Where are the silver lining and the decorated trimming? Trying to move on but continue clinging to imagery of whippings, Being sold on the block like a piece of rock being

Selfish circa 2010 I will never forget those words, Those words that I last heard, Those words that she said to me, Those words that I thought I would never be, Those words oh, the pain and agony, I never thought I would hurt so badly, Until those words started plunging out of her esophagus, Screaming out her mouth— You are SELFISH— Those words tore at my heart, Those words pushed a relationship farther apart, You look for growth, But find yourself temporarily loathing someone you should love, Your heart crushed, Tears fall because you worked so hard to make her proud, But now, She and only she would agree, I am less than what she expected me to be, Only a figment of what she wants me to be, Selfish, a word of shame, Selfish, my new name. 2015 insert Bitch for the word Selfish.

I think it is about time for me to clean out my closet, Because the pain and heartache inside keep rising, I know you don't know that I feel this way, But I would care if you died yesterday, Only thing I thank you for is giving me life, I'm your daughter, apple of your life right, Wrong, I'm just a seed of yours, I mean nothing to you, Things of the earth has taken over you, 18 years here, I thank my mom for that, 18 years without a dad, I thank my dad for that, 20 years you fell in love with crack, I always thought you was going to divorce that, But it's going to stick with you forever, It's no changing that, I feel like sticking my hand inside of me and pulling your seed right out of me, I wonder how much that would change me, Would I have to find another man's seed to recomplete me, I'm going to throw a party for Brian's sake, Designate a special day, Free at last, thank God somebody killed his ass.

Every day I wake up, Brush my teeth, Wash my face, --Refreshed— Ready for a new day, However this new day reminds me of yesterday, So it’s the same day, With a new date Make a change in the day, Change my fate, So everyday won’t feel like its yesterday, The day that had me wishing it was today, I’ve grown accustomed to mediocre, Therefore that’s all I settle for, Motivated for contentment in a happy place, So every day won’t be like this… every day. Everyday Kristyna Cochran